the magic of asking for affirming feedback
a exercise for your next big moment
last year for my 30th birthday, i did an audacious exercise. i asked dozens of people for affirming feedback.
the backstory
it began one year prior in my work with my supervisor, Sacha. i had many non-normative, creative ways of doing therapeutic practice, but did not yet have a method to assess these practices. i ask for feedback regularly from my clients, but i wanted to build an assessment process to get a bigger picture.
over several conversations, i realized a couple of things. i am well-practiced in receiving constructive, difficult feedback, including in instances when i cause hurt and/or harm. especially as a psych survivor-turned-therapist, it has been a priority for me to embody an abolitionist praxis. as the therapist—the one with more power in the relationship—i need to be able to receive hard, constructive feedback as a way of minimizing and addressing potential rupture. on the other hand, what i’ve been completely trash at, is believing the affirming feedback from my clients.
my hyperfocus on constructive feedback and dismissal of affirming feedback meant that i devalued my work. it also made me more susceptible to burnout.
Sacha responded to these reflections with—and i’ll never forget this—
”false humility does not make you more accountable.”
oof. let that one sit.
as a double leo, i can respond to compliments with a “thank you!” but! i don’t let them really settle in.
there is such nauseating discomfort in receiving affirmation with my fully body and spirit. to be seen and acknowledged in my efforts. to be seen and acknowledged in what i aim to embody.
and it’s not only in regards to my work, but also my literal existence.
during this same time, i was processing a lot of mad grief—namely, the grief of being alive. for 10 years, i felt a sense of survivors guilt and indebtedness in being alive. there is an absolute insanity to who gets to live and who dies. and i fully believed (and am still unlearning) that i’m not supposed to be here. i didn’t think i’d make it to 30 but here i was.
so as a next step in my mad processing, it made sense to celebrate my 30th with boldness. i wanted to believe that it was important for me to be here. i wanted to declare life out loud.
the hesitation
despite this clarity, i still hesitated.
my body felt an expansive YES at the idea of this exercise, but for weeks, i questioned and doubted myself.
who the fuck do you think you are?
how dare you make such a loud statement?
what do you mean, you’re going to celebrate yourself? when there’s all this loss and grief and violence?
in my therapeutic practice, i often encourage audacity and self-celebration. my clients are predominantly racialized femmes, women, and non-binary folks. this world wants us to feel and play small. practicing audacity is one way of building up the confidence of a mediocre white man. celebrating ourselves is one way of feeling into our inherent value.
at this point in my life, i’d say that i’m quite practiced at audacity and self-celebration, but this exercise felt different. i know how to be the vibe-manager of my own birthday celebration and ask friends to come to the party that i’ve planned to celebrate with me. but it’s a whole other thing to ask people to celebrate and affirm me with the sole intention of receiving.
to receive affirmation can be so deeply intimate and vulnerable. it requires the willingness to be seen, acknowledged and known. so to ASK for affirming feedback? wow. that’s on another level.
i wouldn’t have been able to go forward with it on my own. fortunately, i had some solid support. my grief worker, Shivani, and i affirmed together that to embrace and celebrate life is not in opposition to, but is in parallel with, grieving losses and deaths. my other supervisor, Fayza, reminded me that learning to receive affirming feedback was an antidote to burnout and a way of deepening my relationship with life.
so in the pursuit of 1) cultivating an accurate self-assessment, 2) celebrating my aliveness, and 3) practicing audacity, i asked for affirming feedback for my 30th birthday.
the exercise
i created a notion page, with a story on the context of this exercise and a form for people to fill out.
i sent out dm’s, emails, instagram stories, and newsletters to invite my close friends, community members, clients, as well as people on the internet (ie. my social media followers and newsletter subscribers).
these are the prompts i offered as ideas for feedback:
what is something that you have witnessed in me or experienced with/about me that you would like to affirm?
what is something that you wish for me as i enter this new chapter or in general?
especially for client community members: what are 1-3 things you’ve found the most helpful/affirming in our work together? a takeaway, a practice, an experience.
a poem, a song, an art piece that reminds you of me or that you’d like to share with me.
the response was both what i had imagined and so much more. i received form responses, voice notes, handwritten letters, essays via emails. some people included links to songs and poetry. many of the people who shared, i expected. but there were also a few internet strangers and community members who i was pleasantly surprised by.
i knew i had to prepare myself emotionally to be open to receive. to be seen and witnessed. to be loved on. but i had no idea that love would break me open with so many tears.
this exercise taught me that i am so deeply loved. so wonderfully seen. i have such a struggle with being perceived, but i felt so known.
i learned that i have an easier time confronting grief and rage than i do with love and care. (love is terrifying!)
i learned that i am celebrated, not only in how i give or serve others, but that my mere existence can feel like sunshine.
and as per the original intention, i began the practice of believing the affirming feedback that i receive. as a result, i am cultivating a more accurate self-assessment and starting to value my work and being.
it has been almost a year now since doing this exercise. to integrate these lessons, i have been reflecting on the questions:
how would i orient and embody differently if i am to believe this feedback?
and how would my life look differently?
unsurprisingly, more grief arrived as i began to make changes. but i’ve been making changes! to structures in my relationships. the systems and rhythms of my therapeutic practice. i’ve been more honest in my longings. and i am starting to pursue joy that does not need to be justified.
this exercise changed me. and it’s one that i will probably come back to every 5 years or so.
an invitation
with that, i’d like to offer up the invitation to you, to give it a chance. in your next big moment—maybe a birthday or an anniversary or the marking of an accomplishment—ask your people for affirming feedback.
yes, it will be deeply vulnerable!
yes, it will feel absolutely audacious!
and yes, it might feel cringe.
but even in the act of asking, you might be changed.
you might be thinking—ji-youn, this is so leo-coded. love this for you, but i could not.
NO, YES YOU CAN! in fact, i’ve already had a few clients and community members give it a go. and they are not fellow leo’s.
this exercise can be an act of love for yourself. how many of us know how to give endlessly but are so uncomfortable with receiving? how many of us take critiques seriously but dismiss compliments? how many of us could use more practice in asking for and receiving love?
so consider it. and if you do do it, i’d appreciate you referencing this written piece and letting me know in the comments or send me an email. and if i know you, please send me your link.
with care & much excitement,
ji-youn
announcements
→ on june 30th, i will be speaking at Disability Justice as a Labour Issue, hosted by CUPE 2278, a union representing academic workers at UBC + teaching assistants at UNBC. in-person at UBC or virtually on Zoom. free & open to the public! rsvp here.
→ on june 21st, Gabes Torres is hosting firstborn: online wellness gathering for eldest children IYKYK
→ how we respond: therapy, crisis & collective care technically ended last month. but you can still sign up for the recorded sessions, which are available until the end of the year.
these days
→ reading: Everyone Wants To Be An Influencer, No One Wants To Be A Custodian
→ thinking about: appointment friendships
→ making: my first collages! with the loving guidance of my dear friend & collage artist & therapist, Ashley.
→ feeling into: (recently finished my first TM book!)
“Lonely, ain’t it? Yes, but my lonely is mine. Now your lonely is somebody else’s. Made by somebody else and handed to you. Ain’t that something? A secondhand lonely.”
― Toni Morrison, Sula
→ loving: the landline system! can’t find the IG reel, but i set up a little box on the kitchen counter where my phone now lives 90% of the time unless i actually need it.