I don't really have big thoughts these days. I've mostly been enjoying life and surfing while working on processing rage things. any epiphanies around being on the ancestral lands? I don't think so. rather, I think I've settled into quite the routine here on jeju island.
I haven't done much exploring, nor have I gone to many touristy spots. The haenyeo museum is on my list, and the jeju-si street market again but that's about it.
I've been thinking about joy and desire these days. or rather, experiencing a lot of joy and desire. the first couple of weeks of being on jeju-do was pretty hard as I felt quite isolated. I experienced layers and layers of grief, including the realization that I really miss living with my family members. but I've made some friends through my regular surfing, and I'm relieved to re-member that I know how to make new friends and build community wherever I go. that feels like quite the superpower. I've also been think-feeling about korean heung and how korean song and dance is not opposite to korean han, but is instead coupled. han and heung work together (more on this later... or in processing rage).
I would also love to come back to korea on a regular basis throughout my life. I really want to get more familiar with the land and the waters and the people and the language.
some diasporic korean kids visit relatives in korea almost every summer break. that wasn't the case for my family growing up. up until last winter, I spent a total of 8 weeks in korea since immigrating, 6 of which I don't really remember due to trauma brain and 2 of which I was too young at the age of 7.
I think in the past couple of years, I really romanticized the homeland, the ancestral lands. it makes sense, having grown up in a white supremacist nation-state and rejecting boba liberalism. seeing news on social media about labour unions and collectivist masking, it was easy to romanticize korea and koreans. but with growing familiarity with being in this country, the rose-coloured filter starts to fade and I've begun to see and experience korea for what it is.
it's like new relationship energy. in the beginning, we find this new being to be so attractive and exciting, and we project our ideas of who we think they are onto them (ie. infatuation). then as we start to spend more time with them, we get to know their flaws and gaps and shitty habits. with korea, I've swung from one end of the spectrum of internalized racism to the other end of romanticizing koreanness. I think this trip is helping me experience this country and the people in more of its fullness. and I would really like to cultivate a secure attachment with korea, haha.
at the beginning of this trip, I grieved so much about all of the losses that came with immigration. I would feel a lump in my throat whenever I saw korean children. it's not that I had wished that we had stayed in korea. but there was sadness around missing out on korean childhood (but not korean middle/high school years, thank god), growing up with other korean kids, speaking korean, and not having whiteness shoved down your throat (as hard). at the beginning of this trip, the grief of being disconnected from land and culture was really present, as expected.
I guess I'm near the halfway point of my trip now, wow. and I'm actually feeling more joy about being a diasporic korean. while there undeniably are complexities and thus the potential for confusion and emotional distress in being in-between, I am leaning into the joy of being a bridge-builder in yet another way.
bridge-building has been one of the core themes and practices at the top of my mind-heart in the past couple of years. much of it is inspired by women of colour feminism, queer of colour critique, and Gloria Anzaldúa's essay, Bridge, Drawbridge, Sandbar, or Island. bridge-building requires a high capacity for holding difference, tension, and conflict. bridge-building also invites folks into the creative practice of imagining and embodying alternatives. or a third option, if you will. I think if normative belongingness is based on the criteria of sameness, I’ve learned to instead prioritize interconnectedness by connecting through difference or bridge-building. normative belonging is often about being assumed into a category, whereas feeling interconnected requires constant relational effort and practice.
having access to language, looking the way I do, as well as having the privileges to dream and plan for visiting korea on a more regular basis means that I can get to know korea and the people through a non-romanticized lens. I’m able to hold the pros and cons of life in korea and of life on turtle island as an asian settler. since last december, I started to chew on the question: what is the role of diasporic koreans in the pursuit of collective liberation in general, as well as in the particular contexts (for me) of turtle island and korea? I’m looking forward to the life-long process of exploring this question as I continue to connect with kyopo kin on turtle island and visit korea again and again.
some noteworthy moments, mentions & observations from the past couple of weeks
I attended my very first 5Rhythms class last week! It felt so good to release so many of the sounds and movements and urges in my body that I had been holding back. I grunt a lot more when I’m at home and I get regular massages in so-called vancouver, but being here and living in an apartment means that I’m generally more emotionally constipated and tense in my body. during reflection, I also had a few tears in sharing that it felt really special to move and emote and somatically express with a group of korean femmes. I’ve done similar somatic/body work on turtle island before, but it was my first time doing that type of healing work in korea and among other koreans.
the korean food in korea is so fucking good. the korean food in vancouver is too sweet or salty or oily. it’s not meant for koreans. but the food here, UGH. so good.
I also experienced my very first typhoon! thankfully, jejudo is not directly in typhoon khanun’s path but we experienced some heavy rain and intense winds for a day. two days of no surfing too because of the waves. but leading up to the typhoon, the waves at woljeongri were so big!! it was very exciting and I failed miserably at catching those waves, haha.