content note: death of a grandparent
why do we mark entire relationships based on their endings? perhaps it's because the ending is always the most recent present. the last memories that we have of them and us. perhaps it's because we associate time with linearity. but also perhaps it's because endings also mark the loss of what could've been. desires for the future. possibilities of potential alternatives and shifts that could've taken place.
our dad's dad passed yesterday. i didn't expect to cry so much. i definitely wouldn't have had this type of grief if i was in vancouver. we barely had a relationship. he was a pretty neglectful father to our dad and never came to visit us in canada while we were growing up, despite many invitations from our parents. his choiceful disengagement from the grandkids, expanding upon his neglect as a father, was a point of further tension between him and our parents, i think.
i saw our grandfather twice last december when i came to visit corea with my sister. both times, we met at a subway station and transited pretty far together because he wanted to feed us very specific foods for lunch. the first time was a 삼계탕 place where he and his friend were regulars. he wanted to feed us 보양식 in the cold winter. i thought it was kind of cute that we transited far to eat at this specific place, despite our parents saying, oh, he probably wanted to show off his grandkids to his friend lol. the second lunch was 낙지볶음 at another place that he has been eating at for decades. the portions were big and my sister is not a big eater. seeing our grandpa upset at her small portion, i made sure to finish the whole meal. i made all the 와, 너무 맛있어요~~ sounds while i ate. nothing delights korean grandparents more than seeing their grandchildren eat well.
our grandpa is a talkative, pretty self-absorbed man. he talked and talked, about how he never had to go to the hospital until very recently due to good health, how he sent our dad to taekwondo classes as a child to encourage exercise, how he continues to walk a lot and well for someone his age. despite his self-boasting, there were some moments when he expressed acknowledgement for being a neglectful father to our dad and not wanting to burden dad with unnecessary concerns around his current, not-so-bad health. he also acknowledged that he chose to not fly across the world to visit us as kids and seemed pretty grounded in that decision. but he tended to us with such longing. he called my sister's phone almost every day after that first lunch, just to say hi and ask if we’ve eaten. we got the sense, maybe he finally wants to spend some time with us grandkids as he realizes that he's getting old.
all that to say, we didn't have much of a relationship with our grandfather, which is largely due to his decisions. so when i arrived to corea on june 2nd, i didn't call him until june 18th, despite making sure to visit our maternal grandmother every week [she made the trek to canada often when we were kids so we’re close]. i just wanted to see him once before i headed to jeju, and i found the thought of him calling my phone every day to be burdensome.
when i called on the 18th, he said, "why did you only call now?" i lied that i had arrived only the week before. he said he was headed into a small? medium? surgery the next day and would be at the hospital for two nights. we made soft plans for the weekend and i said i would call on thursday.
i called on thursday, and he said he's having digestive issues after the surgery so he's spending a few more nights at the hospital. we agreed that i would call on saturday.
i called on saturday, and he apologized, saying that he'll be at the hospital for longer than he thought. he sounded really happy to hear from me and also really sad and sorry that we couldn't meet for lunch before i headed to jeju. we agreed to meet when i'm back in town in seoul in october.
that was the 24th. and i thought about calling him once i arrived to jeju on july 1st, but it slipped my mind in the first few days. he passed on the 6th.
i could've seen him but i didn't. there's some guilt about this ending that i had some agency in. i could've and should've called him sooner and i didn't. but i also didn't prioritize him because he never prioritized us. and yet i am surprised at the sobs that keep coming out of my body.
we mark entire relationships based on their endings. because i had hopes for the conversations i wanted to have with him in october. i was curious about what we would eat for lunch this time around, in a different season. my desires and curiosities weren’t strong, the way they are with our maternal grandmother. but they were still present, and now, they won’t be fulfilled.
i guess my grief is self-centered in some ways too. we don't have a relationship with our paternal grandmother (she's a nasty woman with no remorse) so it was nice to hear some stories of our dad's childhood over lunch with grandpa in december. dad never talks about his childhood, so i guess there are many stories that i will no longer hear.
we really didn’t expect his passing because he was always the healthiest grandparent of the three that have been alive our whole lives. and i really didn’t expect the immensity of this grief. but i guess it's the "could've been's" that felt so near, at my fingertips, that intensify the cries. i won’t be attending the funeral because of the 3-day timeline and i’m in jeju (though i didn’t consider flying out this evening for a half day visit, but dad told me not to). i will visit grandpa in october on behalf of our diasporic family.
another layer of unexpected grief on the ancestral lands.